A true story in the exposing of my heart...

Tuesday noon-ish, Mike Bickle, the director of the International House of Prayer (IHOP-KC) made an announcement in the prayer room that there was to be an "emergency meeting" of sorts that same afternoon at 4p/Central Time.


I get calls and rumors start flying. Even though everyone had a positive notion, I was filled with "fear and trembling..." I knew whatever was to happen would not be good for me (as in, my flesh, every vain ambition and selfish conceit). When I began texting a friend of mine, who was in OHOP's Prayer Room, she confirmed that those who were there were sensing and feeling the fear of the Lord in a deep way.


Yikes! I knew I was in for it. :l


Sure enough, a pastor from Uganda, Africa came... and shared an encounter with the Lord that He had. Although he had the outward form of Christianity (having seen signs, wonders, miracles and preaching the gospel), according with what this man shared, his ways were not the ways of the Lord. He carried immorality and other sins in his heart, and the Lord rebuked him. The LORD, also, in His graciousness showed this man how he was not ready for the coming storm nor the great and terrifying Day of the Lord.


Yikes... again! I'm crying and panicking (in a godly way) at this point. Sighhh...


And then... after the Word, I became angry and offended. I began to scream and God and ask "Why?" Why God, did You choose me to live in such a time as this? We both know I'm weak and I'm a coward. Why couldn't I have been born in an era where things weren't going to hell in a handbasket (as though such a time has existed? HA!)? Why Lord, why? I'll never get to play dress-up with my daughter or put bows in her hair (because currently, she's closer to bald than to bows)... Why Lord, why, why why? And then, the thought came, exposing the very whisper of my heart and betraying my fears and darkness... "Why do I have to live in a time where You require it all, all of the time and to refuse so is death?"


Yikes... times infinity... Yikes!


I repented and bowed my head low... So very low... Lower than low... Beyond low...


I love God, but still cling to the safety of worldliness. My heart desires Him but it desires me too...


Can such a conflict exist?


That night I prayed that the Lord would speak to me in a dream...


Personally, I was hoping for a sea of lilies and a lion named Aslan to come and tell me I am His Beloved.


Instead, for the last two nights, I've gotten chaotic dreams where the inner-most depths and sin of my heart are exposed. Yep, in its fullness. At first, I wasn't sure of the significance of the dream... But after last night, the common thread seems to be my darkness...


So, what do I do now?


I break the ties with such worldliness and evil. And I repent.


I set my gaze and my heart on the Holy One of Israel who is Perfect, Holy, Mighty and Faithful.


And, I set my feet to diligently walk in the fruit of repentance.


I purposely change my mind with the Word of God about my darkness, that my heart may be prepared in the coming storm.


Take a moment to self-examine. Can you truly say you are ready?